I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
be right there i have to get my cape
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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