So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
