You're my little dorito
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
