You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
