I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
