We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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