we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
