The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
