I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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