Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
