U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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