got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The power of my boobs compel you
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
