I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize