the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
