I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
