I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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