It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
