My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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