I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Damn victory sex feels great
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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