I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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