My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
