I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
