fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
