NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
