The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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