i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
