Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
