Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
