I want to make a zoo with you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize