He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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