Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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