I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you win again, gameday.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize