are you still at the devil's house?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
