My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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