Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
