i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
