My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
