New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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