nut hugger
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
