I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
