Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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