Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
