I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
