he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize