Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
