No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Vodka?
Forever.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
