He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
