We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
