I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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