Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
