she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
