Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
