Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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