I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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