I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
