First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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