True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
