i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
where are you?
Hypothermia
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
