Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
