Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
