Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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