The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
