R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
