So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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